Thursday, January 17, 2008

a wayside rest on my scenic route

I'm realizing that I don't know how to write the rest of my story. I'm not quite sure what's up, but I feel as though the story is telling itself in my body without the benefit of words. I'm back there somehow in those first days of leaving that church when I believed I would never be able to connect to another friend again. I'm even finding myself in first grade now and then. In the last few days I'm noticing that loneliness has settled into my chest like a virus squeezing out the space required to take a deep breath. I don't even have the energy to describe it well. I think I may have covered too much time and heartache in my story to really honor those places and I'm feeling exposed and disoriented. I'm sad in a deeply physical way, I'm sick.

So I'm reaching out for time and space from all of you. I know your generous hearts will give it gladly. Peace.

43 comments:

  1. Terri,

    I feel ya. Too long of a stroll down memory lane can sap the life out of you -- especially when traveling over rough terrain.

    Take a rest. You've got 40+ years of journeys; don't feel as if you have to (or could) cover it in 40 days.

    We will all sit down with you. No hurry. Just let us know when you're ready to pick up and move, cause I don't wanna miss any of the scenery. Peace to you.

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  2. Sorry, Terri.

    Wishing I had some words for you.

    (And I'm feeling a bit embarrassed for saying I was "late for the party" in my previous comments. I hate it when I miss the point. Apologies.)

    With you.

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  3. Sitting here with Nathan I hear him saying take 8 and you'd find us quietly still being here for you. Caring about you deeply Terri from the heart...peace, be still, and know.

    (Giving Tom a hug for you too.)

    Rest well.

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  4. I feel you too. I've been sitting here all week. I forgot what the not-hurrying was like. You have covered so much territory in so short a time, uncovered so much of your own journey; uncovering and remembering and walking through all that again could not have been entirely pleasant. No romp through a meadow of daisies, was it?

    Take the time and all the tissue you need.

    Peace to you sister, and be still. Let it come & honor it.

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  5. Terri, its really good that you can feel your body and let those feelings have their respected time and space. As a child, I developed the coping strategy of cutting off my body from my head and not feeling anything in my body. So hearing your story helps me allow my own pain to be present when it needs to be. We all love you and we support you. hugs! Tracy

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  6. nathan: how did such a young kid get so smart and compassionate? you must have had some wicked quick growing up. i'm so glad that you stumbled into my space.

    tom: you never need to be embarrassed around here. i think you understand how fast a mood can swing. please don't apologize. thank you for your presence.

    di: i know. i know. thank you for that. i know that i can always count on you. 8

    kirsten: yeah, i think i have emotional bends. decompression sucks.

    tracy: glad you found your way here...sorry it wasn't under cheerier circumstances. but i know you get it. thanks.

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  7. I am so glad you are paying attention to your body and your spirit terri:)thanks for sharing yourself with us!

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  8. I love your blogs but I hear ya on steeping away from it...I've been there (I think I still am?)
    anyways, missing you...can't wait to see you SOON and catch up...

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  9. sorry...STEPPING away from it, not steeping...(it's still too early here...brain not working yet)

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  10. I was trying to be your little caretaker so you could rest medicine but you just can't not be about others....takes its toll but smells like Jesus. Just stay there in first with him on your skin (bear hug) the tougher part of me wants to give you some homework...like create something with glass or clay today.

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  11. come on over here and let's cuddle and watch a movie.

    Better yet, I'll come over there . . .

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  12. I just realized my last comment may give the impression that you and I are separated or something.
    (she's about 10 ft. away ) ;)

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  13. I agree, time for a break Terri. You've poured your heart out and it shows, you can't give of yourself like that and not feel the loss. We'll be here ready to read when you feel better :) God bless & keep smiling!

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  14. Teri,
    What wisdom your body has, gently reminding you to slow, to still, to let what has spilled out be truly felt.
    When we share so honestly and from our hearts, as you have done here, there is a reorientation that takes place inside of us. This takes time.
    Peace to you as you let it all come and go, sift through you, honoring the power of your journey.
    I will be here when you get back.
    And I'm here now too, just holding the space for you as go within.
    much love.

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  15. and dave comforts the entire blogosphere with his gentle invitation knowing his beloved whom we love has his big shoulders to lean back into...now that's a peaceful easy feeling to know

    love you guys

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  16. Terri,

    I hear you, too. Memories stir up feelings that stir up memories that you didn't know you had and it feels like so much.

    Rest and breathe. We'll be here when you're ready for words again, and we'll think of you and pray peace for you until that time comes.

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  17. Oh Terri, I understand this all too well. Truly, I do. You have given of yourself so generously, and it’s no surprise that you feel disoriented and exposed. I’m glad you are listening to your body’s wisdom and taking it easy. There is so much love surrounding you (and one very dear hubby to cuddle with). Soak it up and let your soul be rejuvenated. I’ll be thinking of you and sending my love your way.

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  18. thanks everyone for all the encouragement and permission to be a mess. For those of you who pray, would you lift me up today? I have a solid schedule of difficult meetings, counseling and crisis sessions and i'm feeling ill-equipped.

    julie: it means so much to me to have you here. thanks.

    jen: i know you get it. and doesn't it just BUG that you can't edit your comments?

    di: maybe you can fix me tomorrow. :) and isn't dave a honey?

    dave: thanks for the big warm understanding shoulder.

    brad: i didn't realize you had found your way over here. welcome and thanks for the prayers.

    beautiful bella: thank you for the word embrace.

    marcia: i love you too.

    sarah: well said. it's kind of dangerous territory when you go down those roads. no way to tell where you're going to end up. i'll gladly take those prayers.

    chloe: i know from things you have written that you are feeling this. do you speak to yourself this kindly? thank you.

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  19. Terri, I've been reading just not commenting. Thanks for opening yourself up to show us more of HIM!! My prayers are with you!
    Love, Linda

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  20. Lifting you up today dropping down thru tomorrow. Content free. ;) Honey we got our demo.

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  21. Thanks for putting the mirror in front of me Terri. I admit (reluctantly), you raise a good question.

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  22. Oh! I didn't realize I would be getting here this late. Reading your post and then reading all the grace-filled, gentle comments really gave me a feel for the ebb and flow of this community. People drop in, say kind words, put their arms around your shoulders (some more physically than others . . . Dave!), leave, come back, and still the hub of gentleness is contained. I love that, especially for you right now, when you need it so much.

    I'm so glad you can bring this to us, tell us what is happening in real-time as a result of close things you've shared with us here, and then tell us what you need. Wow. I honor you, beautiful woman, for that kind of honesty.

    Do you remember my post from late November about deciding to work on a book project about my spiritual journey and how I realized I didn't have many actual memories from that time because I had stopped keeping a journal when I moved into that season I now wanted to write about? (Can't remember if you and I had found each other yet when I was writing about this.) I wrote a post about beginning to pray that God would take me back into memory, that it would be something He and I began to do together in order to piece together this journey into words. Well . . . I'm beginning to think what I'm going through right now is a direct result of that prayer, just an answer to prayer in a totally unexpected way that has less to do with writing a book and more to do with recovering more of my heart.

    I say all that to say that I completely understand how going back into something and exposing it can take everything out of you and render you mute and sad and heavy feeling. I love you very much, sweet sister, and am holding you up in this time. Take all the time you need, with no pressure or expectation ever.

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  23. di: we'll see.

    chloe: mirrors. don't you sometimes hate those things?

    christianne: happy birthday! thanks for stopping in and for all your kindness. i think the posts you're describing were B.T. (before terri) but i caught little bits of references to it here and there. i'm convinced that blogging has something to do with so many of us experiencing similar things. Blogger should have a warning when you go to set up a webpage like they have on packages of cigarettes:

    Warning: Blogger does not take responsibility for any emotional leaking and painful moments of self-awareness that may occur as a result of blogging. Proceed at your own risk.

    Of course, you could be right about that prayer thing. Love you.

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  24. Linda: thanks for commenting. seems like all the blogstalkers (i use that term with great fondness) are coming out of the woodwork. thanks also for the prayers.

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  25. Seriously! I hear you on that warning label. I was talking with a friend on the phone last night, telling her that her own life has had an effect on choices I'm now making in mine. I was saying, "How cool is that? You've had a major effect on me. A life-changing one. Isn't it amazing that people come into our lives, things happen, we learn from one another, and we are changed forever?"

    I think it's the same with blogging. Once it's in your life, all sorts of dynamics start to happen that impact your relational life with other bloggers and your internal life of what you're working through. It can't help but change your life. Truly.

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  26. Terri, allow me a moment to twist the Jack and the bean stalk story. I wish I could plant a magic bean, grow a huge stalk, (with an elevator, no climbing here, we are all exhausted), that could hoist us all out of this tiresome world, if just for a visit. We could all kick back on a cloud, snort some magic bean dust that would blow every care away. (I am not on drugs) That is strickly a metaphor. I forget sometimes that you all are just being introduced to my whacky sense of humor. I love weird analogies that could get me in trouble. Peace on your restful journey, our thoughts go with you.

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  27. christianne: truer words were never spoken. amazing how we're all impacting one another in such surprising ways.

    poet: i really like that metaphor. i'm kind of a metaphor junkie, so i'll snort that any day. thanks.

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  28. Terri
    Your'e so cool. I laughed out loud at that comment. I am still getting to know you guys. You know, ya try to feel people out and not go too far, and sometimes I probably take freedom of speech to a whole other level. After I put that crack comment up on Nate's blog I was sweating it a bit that was a crass and crude comment, but hey it got my point across vividly, and that was the one thing that you commented on......you are cool in my book anyone that can follow my twisted sense of humor must be Pharisee free--thats my new take on A.A. I either hate "religion" or I'm bi-polar, or maybe both. I don't know if you saw finding Nemo, but if you did this will make sense.... Hi! My name is Tammy, I hate religion and I'm bi-polar. God is my friend, not my enemy. (fish are friends and not food)
    Later, catch you on the flip side.....no, really you will find me on the flipped side.

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  29. You know what I really hate is roadkill. I always say, there will be no roadkill in heaven! I'm thinking that kinda applies to what I saw yesterday that I had managed to miss in my periperhal. Someday, no more death, no more judgment, all the ugliness of this life cleaned up or burned away. Remember the brave chicken crossed the road to show the racoon it can be done. Grace and mercy for the rest of the journey! love you!!

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  30. poet: you crack me up too. and i love finding nemo...i have it in my dvd collection. sadly, sometimes i relate most to dorie. (i have a terrible memory.)

    yes, let's make this a pharisee-free zone. that would be great.

    hey, a really good friend of mine wrote a book called "Repenting of Religion". i think you'd like it.

    di: was there roadkill out there yesterday that i missed? i was too cold to look. thanks for the grace and mercy...i'll take it.

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  31. you saw it when it was fresh, nothing new, I just missed it and saw the frozen remains yesterday (just speaking in really vague methapor)

    p.s. and this time I'll check the little box too ;)

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  32. love you, terri.

    just wanted to say so.

    you are one of the evidences of God's goodness to me. please know that.

    ;o)

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  33. di: i get it now. thanks for that and for the prayers.

    kirsten: i appreciate that and i feel the same way about you. it's nice to know you're still checking in even though i'm stuck and sad.

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  34. ahhhrg! metaphor and peripheral...where's my little do bee akeelah part when I need her???

    anyway, the moral of this parable is, write on sister!

    guard your heart knowing we got your back.

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  35. Hi Terri -- Just checking back in to say hi. Tammy made a comment about Finding Nemo on her blog tonight, and I just knew there must have been more conversations happening over here since the last time I checked! :)

    Are you keeping warm up there? We're having a cold, cold spell down here in Florida, and my little toesies are freezing so they're numb!

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  36. Yeah, I know stuck & sad too. It's different for each of us I'm sure, but yes. I know stuck & sad.

    Love to you -

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  37. di: if it makes you feel any better, i totally missed those typos. and thanks for the encouragement.

    christianne: thanks for the heads up about the post over at tammy's and for checking back. i'll have to warn you though, that i get a little pissy when people in florida complain about cold. ;) my toes haven't been thaw since october. :0

    kirsten: i think i'm nearly unstuck. thanks for the company.

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  38. Oh yeah, Terri, I meant to put a little disclaimer at the end of my comment about Florida cold not being in the same galaxy as Minnesota cold (that's where you are, right?). The closest I came to understanding your kind of cold was a year and half I lived in Missouri. But still. This California / Florida girl's ability to handle cold can only be relative to her own experience . . . and I must say, I'm a chicken.

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  39. I was just messing with you Christianne. I actually love Minnesota most of the time. I just get a little frozen and cranky when the temp dips to -15 for any length of time. That's not human weather. That's Emperor Penguin weather. I keep checking out my window expecting to see a bunch of them huddled together with eggs balanced on top of their feet. :)

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  40. Sometimes
    words
    are
    merely the foaming surface
    of the deep ocean...

    I can sense from this lovely place
    which you have created here

    that the life beneath
    it all is Bigger, grander
    deeper than all our words

    May you find space for the rose breath to fill,

    and peace in Being,

    Blessings of love to you,

    Maithri

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  41. Christianne: Look what I just saw outside my window.

    Maithri: Wow. That's amazingly gorgeous. Thank you so much for honoring me with that beautiful poem and the kindness reflected in it.

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  42. Ha ha ha -- Emperor Penguin -- that was great! And the picture added a great effect. But your words also painted a grand view.

    I cannot imagine -15 weather. Simply cannot fathom it. My mind doesn't even know how to go there. How do you survive? Oh, yeah. I just remembered you get to be barrelled in a warm bear hug by your loving hubby! :)

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