Friday, March 7, 2008

music for screaming

I don't know about you, but sometimes I feel like I'm living in crazy-world. I'm plugging along and the first thing I notice is that I'm starting to disappear. Too many losses, too much pressure, too much chaos, too many emotions that are much too strong. My knee-jerk response to this is generally to just keep going and hope it will get better. I swallow really hard, swallow everything, and squeeze my eyes shut until no light can get in. I hold my breath. (You'd think that as a counselor I would be a tad more skillful with this.) Anyway, it gets to the point sooner or later when I just snap.

I have this old song that has played an important role in my life for the last thirteen years or so. I was listening to it today on the way home, full-blast, singing the lyrics at the top of my lungs. It always helps for reasons I don't quite understand. It helps me to scream. Sometimes that's just exactly what I need. And even though I am always alone when I do this, it helps me to feel like someone has heard me. I've heard me. God has heard me. It's like this weird, screaming prayer I pray when I'm falling off the edge of the world.

So, I'll share the lyrics with you. I don't know why, but I'm wondering if anyone out there might be able to relate. And maybe you'll pop this into the stereo in your car sometime and listen to it full-blast. Maybe you'll feel a little bit better when you do. It's from Toad the Wet Sprocket's Dulcinea CD.


well i wonder
do we learn?

seems we're making

the same wrong turn.

call you sacred,

call you obscene,

call you faithless,

call you anything.

call and you listen




i'm the liar,
so it seems.

my desire

could justify anything.

so is there nothing

that lies in between

this cold silence

and a scream?




caught in headlights-
we are frozen,

cannot hide.

there's no break,

no time.

if you can, i might listen.

call and you listen





  1. Terri
    This blog rocks! This really blows my mind because i just got finished i mean, like, two minutes ago popping up a blog that is so much in soul-mate with this.

    This is really funny! This photo here totally explains my last few days.
    You know, i want to laugh, well actually i am laughing, but i don't want to take away from the fact that you are irritated.

    I went out in town today and wanted to run over people, no really i did. i was cussing under my breath at anything that got me riled up.

    I don't know if it helps any to say i feel ya, but i feel ya. I have decided that i have spiritual bi-polar, one minute i am all fired up, next minute i feel like a fire hydrant that a dog just pissed on. ( too grahic, sorry) I promise i am trying terri, but sometimes i am just bad.

    Cranked up music, love it! I slapped that blog up about being drunk on love, that is all good but in the real world, sometimes it is good to just be drunk... nah just kiddin'

  2. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    this week [and last] come to think of it have made me feel the same way. what the bleep is going on?

    i love what you said terri about even though you're the only one in the car: "i've heard me". that hit me in such a big way.

    i think that's SOOOOO important: hearing ourselves. how many times do we ignore ourselves, our interior dialogue, & how the pressure pressing in on us from all different angles has us ready to pop? how often do we blithely try to ignore the reality that we're quite ready to make reservations in rooms with padded walls attended by those nice bellboys with the crisp white coats.

    and yeah, God hears it too. he knows it's coming even, before we do. and thank God for toad the wet sprocket, which gives you a tried & true avenue for that release. it's better than listening to something that's mellow when what you really need is something that will give you the permission to bellow.

    i can see you, turning up the volume as high as it will go, alternately gripping your steering wheel & pounding it to death, loving the release of tension it provides.

    what a good idea. now pardon me while i pop in some alanis morissette ... ;o)

    bless you, lady. and rock on!!

  3. amen! i know you know that i get this post today. so good to know we're not alone in the world. SO GOOD to know we belong to a community of real human people. i love each and every one of you so much!


    i love you, terri. i'm glad to know what you do when the pressure gets to high. i'm sorry to know that the pressure boiled a little too high this week. sounds like just one too many things piled on that plate of yours. but it's good to find those seats of release . . . even when they are the seats of our cars with toad the wet sprocket blasting out our eardrums and our lungs.

  4. Ahh its good to release...

    To scream...

    To let go of all the energy thats clogging us up, numbing us, hurting us...

    And its good to know there are safe mediums in which to do through music... to vent...

    and then turn and reflect on how to keep the cycle from repeating.

    Thank you for being so human, so real... its so sacred. so beautiful.

    Sending you my love, Maithri

  5. ;) I'm the same way, with some songs. Jack and Diane reminds me of my friend Ann from high school. Rockstar reminds me of bonding with a girl who is now a good friend, Steph from Colorado. And a song that I can't remember the title of but I promise you I love (I'm like that with that I have rockstar in my head, I'll never remember this one) is one a I always go to when growing hurts.

    this has definitely been a hair-pulling week!

  6. tammy: glad this ministered to you. :) one of the things i really love about you is that you're so flippin' real. no hiding. i like that in a girl. so yeah, crank up the music and let it all out. actually, given recent developments, you might wanna keep it a little calmer for the time being. love you.

    kirsten: oh yes, i've cranked alanis a few times too. i think maybe we're all getting to the point where a good scream or a good cry or both would be just the ticket. and when you do it right in front of God...that's good stuff. just like a psalm.

    christianne: i know you know that i know that you know. :) i'm imagining this big party at some point where we're all together dancing and getting rowdy and laughing and letting it all hang out in prayer and just a bunch of honest release. maybe i'm imagining heaven.

    maithri: everytime i see that you have left a comment i get so excited to read it because i know it will be thoughtful and gentle and musical and beautiful and healing. thank you my friend. it is good to be human in the company of other humans who are not afraid to admit that be human out loud.

    sarah: i'm the same way with soon as one of them is swimming around in my head i can just forget about trying to think of another one. sorry it's been a hair-pulling week. but you know by now that you weren't alone. we're all yanking out huge clumps. talk to you soon! take care of yourself.

  7. Ha
    it seems that i am always telling on myself, i have found that sometimes there is a season to be, well, a little fake, maybe the word would be restrained, however i will warn people that it ain't all cultivated yet. i can tell ya i am a work in progress on my good days, on my bad days god have mercy.

    I was at church one day in the middle of Sunday school class, mind you, i was sitting among the elders and deacons. We were in the board room at the church. There was a guest speaker that day and he, well, ( forgive me Lord) i just did not like him....period.

    So everybody was discussing dying to self or something like that and everybody was being all pious, and i just looked at them all and said, can you tell me the proper way of handling everything you have said here cause i don't know about yall but when i get under intense fire i get mad and cuss.

    Now i wish you could picture this in your mind, Michael knows me inside out and i have cussed HIM out several times so anything i say will not shock him, cuz it is probably something he has heard come out of my mouth before.

    But the deacons the elders and the preachers there did not relate very well with my comment, so this preacher chimed in and basically told me that i was not saved and he just rubbed me the wrong way with all this piety, but i was good Terri, i did make the same mistake as before and cuss him out. I just let it roll off. I said nothing.

    Several years ago i lived in a house that was the Cleveland's religious grand central station, everybody and their brother had a key and it was a free for all. So it was a hang out pretty much, we had everybody in and out, preachers, drug addicts, alcoholics, homosexuals, believe it or not child abusers and child molesters (that was hard) cult members, and witches, satanist, you name it. I am not kidding at all.

    all the misfits pretty much loved us. and then there were those that were always ministering to me about controlling my tongue. One day i just got sick of it and we were all out to lunch at a restaurant and i was being spiritually admonished and i said, with a very growling voice, "if you quote me one more scripture i am going to stab you with my fork."

    Okay that went over like a lead balloon cuz, it did not minister to the deacons and elders. You know if it had not of been for my somewhat respect for God i would have flipped off the deacons and elders.

    They backed off though i think it was the growling tone, i am sure they thought i needed some anointing oil on my head, and perhaps i did, but come on now i have little to no patience with that bull.

    You said here that you like the fact that i am real, and that meant a lot to me because it gets me into trouble, because sometimes i need to put a muzzle on it. I am trying to refine myself so i become a little more tame with my tongue.

    I said all of that epistle there to say that this is all a process, the path really is all about love, even learning to love the religious folks because we are really all victims of that deception at times in our lives.

    Greg Boyd makes a beautiful statement in his book about Jesus' love for the religious crowd. Jesus cries out (just after He has called them all a bunch of snakes) He says Jerusalem, Jerusalem, how i long to embrace you under my wings but you would not, you kill the prophets that i have sent.

    I think Jesus meant, Jerusalem, how deeply i desire to love you out of the deception you are living in, for i want you to know my love for you and my love for others so you will stop hurting people and chasing them away from me with your religious blindness.

    I love you Terri and you have my compassion for the daily issues that i am sure you face.
    If we die with great material wealth we die a beggar, but if we die filled with love we die a king. I am thinking of a line in a song that says all who seek to love will wear a crown of thorns because a crown of thorns is all the world has to give.
    That is a deeply rich statement.
    Sorry for the blog hog here.

  8. tammy, i loved your blog hog. as always.

    girl, you have lived a rich and colorful life. i continue to learn new things about you that make me marvel and laugh and shake my head and smile at you all at the same time.

    personally, i give kudos to you for disrupting the status quo in the name of authenticity.

  9. "you oughta know" ...

    oh yeah. i'm imagining too ... dancing, being ourselves, screamigng singing, what beautiful release ... aw yeah, sounds like heaven to me.

    when do we go?

  10. I am SO the same way. Life just seems to build to a crescendo and I dig in my heels, grit my teeth and keep going. When I need to do what you did; Step out of the "running stream" and STOP. I then need to take a break by myself down at the coffee shop or like you said blare the music in the car while alone and scream! Thanks for the reminder to stop. I had just been thinking about this when I started reading your blog entry...providence?

  11. I love Toad the Wet Sprocket!!!!!!!! Aren't you surprised I like it despite the word "sprocket"??? :)

    One of the things I have always connected with you on Terri is music. I think we both are very effected by it. We always make each other listen to our new songs that we find!

    I love you Ter!

  12. Thinking of you...sitting next to you in the car...singing as loud as I can...looking over at you...
    burst out laughing...eventhough we want to cry...we laugh...cause we know that God loves us...and knows the plan...

    My song is...(actually too shy to say)...the 2nd song on Mika's starts where a little boy says: 'what's the big i-deaeaeaeaeaea'...and then they start singing...kind of rap.

    It's thundering here in the UK...and raining...I love the rain...feels as if the rain is washing out all secrets...

    I wonder why we, as human beings, keep it all in. Why we breath...and try to stay calm within the frustration...where as if we just let it's out...and everybody is feeling better...why do we bite our tongue...and keep from saying what we feel...if that is going to make us feel better...

    BUT...I'm still next to you in the car...screaming, singing, laughing, living! xx

  13. Ahhh, I can feel the exhale of these words, this song, the great screaming going on.
    Just to let it out, let it go, see that there is space in this earth for it and we don't have to always keep it all inside.
    Thank-you for these words, this reminder.
    Holding the space for you from here, space for you to scream or cry or laugh or sink into silence.
    love to you.

  14. tammy: no need to be fake here. i'm imagining myself in that place you described where all the "misfits" hung out and loved you on one hand and all the "preachers" were all concerned about your tongue on the other hand. i think i might have stabbed someone with a fork too. in fact, i left those places and those people and found other people who loved jesus and loved me too. people who didn't mind when i was real. and frankly, my task now is to understand that those religious pharisees are just as needy as the drug addicts and child molesters. i'm not very good at that yet, but i'm trying. take care of yourself this week. i know you've got a lot of hard things in front of you.

    christianne: :)

    kirsten: yeah, wouldn't that be the thing? someday. hopefully soon.

    annie: providence? i think so. the more i hang around blogland the more i notice that kind of thing...everyone writing on similar themes. thanks for visiting here annie. take care of yourself.

    julie: that's pretty amazing that you got past a name like that...but it's not surprising that you like their music. ever play that song until your ears bled? :) seriously, i love you so much and i get really excited when i see that you've left a comment. it means a lot to me to have you here listening.

    linni: oh my goodness you make me smile. i love how alive you are and how safe. i wish you really were here...sitting next to me in my car, blasting whatever felt good into our ears and hearts...telling the truth. bug huge hug for you!

    bella: i have a feeling i could learn a thing or two from you about screaming...i'll bet you're a wild woman when everything hits the fan. that's a great quality...really underrated in our world. love to you.

  15. I'm almost nervous to comment here and ruin the gender diversity! But in the interests of making the point that men also get to the point where all that helps is loud music and high speed, let me just say "Blink-182: Anthem Pt2"

    At least now I understand why that song is always in the '25 most played' playlist on my ipod, looking conspicuous amongst a whole lot of gospel & country...

  16. dean: maithri's a guy so you weren't the first male to appreciate this. :) i know that this doesn't have one little thing to do with gender. you can catch my husband and boys cranking it with the best of them.

  17. Maithri, my brother, I humbly apologise for my error.

  18. I'm totally with you on this! one thing I miss here is not having a car so I can get in it, drive away, turn the music up, and unwind. I'll be making up for a lot of lost time when I get back there...

    oh and no saying "sprocket" around Julie...duly noted, I'll add it to the list :)

  19. Loved the blog Terri. Eduard Munch (artist of "The Scream") couldn't have communicated it better.

    You keep that song of yours (that I do not recognize) handy. Menopause is coming!

    Love ya

  20. listening out loud is now screaming out loud....!

    i'm with ya girl!!!!!

    hey greggo--not everything is about the pause ya know ;)


  21. nice momma! i love a good blog about music! singing or screaming along to a good tune is good therapy yeah? (:

  22. jen: it's always the quiet ones, isn't it? :)

    greg: thanks, i think. it's just a good thing i love you or i'd smack you upside the head for making an age reference on my blog. :)

    shelley: my gosh. it's either scream or take out the lampshade.

    danny: when it's not toad the wet sprocket that i'm blasting, it's a tune you've turned me on to. thanks for all the therapeutic material honey.

  23. Terri
    I went to the net to check this band out. i found a clip of your tune.
    i wanted to see what is in that head of yours.
    i listened to a few of the tunes i liked it alot. i really like the tune windmills.

  24. See Terri i am not a die hard hillbilly. I like all kinds of music EXCEPT choir music, opera, or classical music. Choir that sac-religious? i don't know but it still does not change my mind. It is stuffy, choppy, and....yuk. That wiener woman could probably be a poster girl for choir music.

  25. tammy, that windmills song is my hands-down favorite when it comes to toad the wet sprocket. i used to get a ride to school in high school from a girl who lived around the corner and got her license and a car before i did, and every morning she picked me up with the album with that particular album playing in the tape deck. (tape deck . . . ha . . . those were the old days, huh?) anyway, i used to sit in her back seat with my shy young self and love every time the tracks hit upon the windmill song. i didn't have a name for it . . . only knew it by what i called it in my head as the windmill song . . . and now, years later, i'm heading over to you tube to listen to it one more time. :)

  26. Ok, so I had to find out what this whole windmill thing was about. I found it on youtube and I love it...makes me sad, though.

  27. windmills is so good. i was just listening to it today. the whole dulcinea cd is solid. glad we all have a little more music in common. now i'll think about all of you when i bust out the toad. :)

  28. Guys
    I am going to have to check out more of this music you all listen to you have peeked my curiosity. I have never heard of some of these bands yall have listed on your profile.

    Almost all of my CD's are ones that Nate burned for me. I am stuck in the 80's folks. All my music (just about) is Barry White kinda stuff. I have a huge collection of love songs and all that mushy stuff. Ha ha yall were wrong, wrong, wrong, it is not all country music!!

    I am about to have a CD burning and rid myself of the cheesey love songs.........i am tired of whining and torturing myself over what could have been. I am taking back my heart!

  29. Terri
    I just came from Dean's blog, where i left a comment a few days ago concerning you. I told Dean that i was on a mission to convert you to country music. I promised to make you such a zealous fan that by the end of the year i would have you in a cowgirl suit.

    Now according to Dean he has held me to this promise and proposed that "i not let him down now, he expects that photo of you in a cowgirl suit."

    Terri don't kid yourself here is the break we have been waiting for this is my BEST hair brained scheme ever.........the real money maker. People in our blog town will pay money for this.

    Tequila anyone?

  30. i'm pretty sure that a picture of me in a cowgirl get-up is the seventh seal of the apocalypse. i'll not be the cause of the unleashing of those horsemen...

  31. Come now Terri, don't fight it, just embrace what could be your future :) We'll risk the release of the horsemen for this special event!

  32. i hope you are feeling heard and understood and have let out that breath...i am screaming a prayer inside for you today and going now to listen to this new song ~ and let it out...honestly i'm so waiting for a new picture and noticing how selfish and impatient i can be sometimes....i want you to feel better now. love you so.

  33. dean: don't hold your breath dear.

    di: thanks for that. i'll take all the screaming prayers i can get. oh, and i think you're a far cry from selfish and impatient. hope you like toad. that song's a little hard around the edges, but i love it like mad.

  34. Why oh why are you fighting fate Terri? I am so proud of the fact that Dean and i have started a revival of fans that can't wait to see that cow-girl get up. Must you disappoint fans Terri?
    And to ice the cake you could learn to karaoke that hillbilly tune that is on my blog. You know you want to sing that song Terri, you can't fool me. i see in the spirit and i know that song is a fire shut up in your bones. All i gotta say is God bless Texas! Texas here we come!

  35. uh....maybe Texas HERE I come with Terri cattle roped on top of the car......strapped to a karaoke machine. My the possibilities are endless.