Wednesday, May 26, 2010

the scoop, part nine

"I want singleness of eye, a purity of intention, a central core to my life that will enable me to carry out all my obligations and activities as well as I can. I want, in fact -- to borrow from the language of the saints -- to live 'in grace' as much of the time as possible. I am not using this term in a strictly theological sense: by grace I mean an inner harmony, essentially spiritual, which can be translated into outward harmony. I am seeking, perhaps, what Socrates asked for in the prayer from the Phaedrus when he said, 'May the outward and inward man be one.' I would like to achieve a state of inner spiritual grace from which I could function and give as I was meant to in the eyes of God."

~Anne Morrow Lindbergh, A Gift from the Sea

Last Friday, I finally finished writing the book on simplicity. Or at least I finished the first draft and sent it off for editing and suggestions. Several months ago this project was the final straw that broke my back, but today it feels like a generous gift from God. It feels like a friend who has pulled me from a burning building. I am grateful to be keeping company with the many voices I have encountered along the way, voices like the one I've quoted above. They are gentle voices, at least most of them are, and even when they've called on me to loosen my death-grip on things I imagined I needed, they've been friendly and patient.

In fact, I feel as though I am discovering my life, the life that was buried under so much debris and years of accumulated trivialities. I am discovering the delicious joy of reading and writing, not the kind of reading and writing that I've done most of my life, the required texts of a profession. No. I am reading novels and poets and journals of saints. And I am writing things that flow out of the center of me, the way I am when I'm most deeply myself. I'm learning to be at home with my limitations and my talents. To quote God, it is all "very good".

I'm still suspended between places, still losing my home, but I'm not worried. Dave and I will land wherever we land and it will be just fine. And I'm still dealing with THAT, as much as I can tolerate and mostly through writing. It will work its way out in its own good time. Next Tuesday I have to go in to have a follow-up chest CT and I meet with a lung specialist on Thursday, but I'm confident that they'll give me a clean bill of health. And even if they don't, I'll be OK. Finally, I'm just satisfied to be exactly where I am.

So that brings us to today, and we've arrived here in less than ten installments. The scoop is officially told. You see, I've learned to stop when I'm done. Aren't you glad?


  1. i am glad momma. glad that you are where you are. glad that i'm your son & i get to be a part of your story. glad that you're walking in freedom these days.

    i love you.

  2. i love you too danny. i love you all the way to the moon and back.

  3. i love you. so good to be here with you.

  4. What a good place to be (wherever you are) . . . you sound so free. (Also, love "Guess How Much I Love You" . . . it's my favorite book for Mirren, though it's hard to tell if she likes it . . . she mostly tries to eat it_.

  5. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

  6. thanks for the support everyone. love all around. :)

  7. Hey. Beautifully done! You seem to be in the flow, which is so peaceful and reassuring. When you can let go and turn it over to God there is a big weight that is lifted. Your writing is very helpful!
    Thanks for sharing.
    Miss you.
    Luv ya.

  8. there is so much peace in the way you speak about all these things (even things that might cause many people to feel unhinged or anxious), and that is so good to hear. your voice is dripping with it.

    though there are many unknowns, i sense that you feel free in a way that before, you could only imagine and dream about. it's so beautiful.

    my mom gave me the anne morrow lindbergh book for my graduation from college. i read it then, and haven't picked it up since. perhaps now would be a good time, no?

    blessings & peace to you, sister. and i will raise my glass (of cranberry juice, of course) to your clean bill of health.

  9. zoey: i miss you girl. thanks for the kind words. hope you're doing well since the group disbanded...

    kirsten: you should definitely pick up that book again. i think it's the kind of book that you understand differently as you pass through various stages of your life. i know i'll be reading it again and again. (i can't imagine that i would have gotten a whole lot out of it fresh out of college.) and thanks for your beautiful presence here, even in the midst of your own transitions (as long as we're talking about things that would leave most of us unhinged and anxious.) peace...

  10. I love learning your heart. Thanks for sharing deep pieces of it here.

    Congratulations on finishing the book! It made my heart glad to hear that it's become a gift to you to write it.

    And it made my heart especially glad to learn that you're reading and writing in new ways right now. Ways that feel more deep, more true. I connect in a real way to that, and I'm glad you are finding those places to land these days.


  11. christianne: i know how busy you are so it's pretty special when i hear from you. thanks for listening to me the way you do, and for reflecting back what you hear. i'm having one of those days when i'm not feeling as settled and peaceful and it helps to know there are all of these lovely people out there caring in little ways. peace to you...