Friday, September 30, 2011

beginning again

It's been nearly a year since I posted here. I won't say much about what's been going on in that year (at least not in this post) but I will say that it's been a struggle. I'm grateful today that it's possible to begin again any time I choose. So today, I begin again. Let me explain.

I've been reading a lot about simplicity and living in the moment and showing up for your life and things like that. I've been reading these things for a very long time. And the more I read, the worse I feel. Isn't that strange? In fact, the more I accumulate knowledge in these areas, the more dead I have felt. As I've been noticing this terrible irony, I've been wondering why this is. And I think I can trace it to two simple ideas.

1) I haven't actually put any of this information to use.

This might sound silly to you (and obvious), but I honestly have been operating as if knowing certain things would magically change my life. Turns out that the opposite is true. The knowledge alone acts as a kind of poison in my belly. It's sort of like a person with a debilitating disease comforting herself with the knowledge that a cure has been found, but never actually swallowing the medication. Now, not only does she have the debilitating disease, but she also lives with voices in her head screaming at her what an idiot she is to refuse the medication that will cure her.

2) I have been living completely in my own head.

If you've read my blog in the past, you know that I tend to dissociate a lot. My primary coping strategy is to withdraw. And while this has saved my life in the past, it's killing me now. I'm confessing out loud today that I need other people if I'm ever going to truly change. I'm done relying on myself alone to live a meaningful life. I'm done making excuses.

Luckily, I can begin again any time I feel like it (and even when I don't feel like it.)

So today I'm making a public commitment to write here every day. This is a radical commitment for me, but I think it may be the only way to say awake and stop living alone in my head. Even if I'm the only one listening, I'm going to be encouraging company for myself, which is a nice start. I'll probably fail, but I can always begin again. And maybe my new friend (me) will kick my butt in the most loving way possible and help me to show up. I don't really have a choice anymore. Or rather, my choice is much simpler. Live or die.

I'm choosing to live.

monologue in my head: "Don't press the publish button. You're going to make a fool of yourself. You're never going to be able to keep this up, and then you're going to be even more miserable than ever. You can do it on your own. No, wait. DON'T PUSH THAT BUTTON!"

*deep breath*