I spent some time on the phone with a friend from far away today. I'm taking a course called Encountering Christ from my friend Christianne, and the course includes two sessions of spiritual direction. Honestly, I was a little apprehensive about this aspect of the course because talks like this force me to come clean about my life. I know that sounds weird coming from a counselor but I have very special rules that only apply to me out of all the people in the entire universe. (That seems smart, don't you think?) Christianne is one of those people who is just born to listen to people in a way that breaks them open and I knew that if I talked to her for any length of time I would have to be honest about where I was at, which is not really my idea of a party. Bah. I'd rather curl up under a blanket and eat popcorn while I watch three hours of things I will not remember after I turn the TV off.
Anyway, it took about three minutes before I was discovering things about myself that were pretty interesting. This was surprising because I like to think that I'm terribly self-aware and brilliant and have everything all figured out and all. (I hope you're hearing the sarcasm.) I discovered that there has been growth and change in my internal life that had totally slipped under my radar. I discovered that I have resources that I was not taking advantage of. I learned about connections that I had never noticed before. And I learned, or rather remembered, that God is such a good Daddy.
Is my voice different than it has been lately? Hmmmm. I don't think that's a coincidence. I've suddenly remembered that I have a pretty good sense of humor and kind of a rebellious streak that can get me into some trouble but can also be one of my most creative and fun strengths. I've got a renewed feeling of energy and hope. And all because I took the risk to let a little light into my odd internal world. You should try it sometime, even when it's scary or sounds like the worst idea ever in the history of bad ideas. Light can make all the dust and clutter more obvious, but it's also the only way to discover what is real. I'm glad I opened the blinds and dared to stare into the sun for a while.