Thursday, February 16, 2012

my voice


I'm not really sure what's going on with me lately, but I'm having a terrible time finding my voice. In fact, it takes a lot of effort to even notice that my voice is missing. Part of this, I'm sure, is that I've had a cold for the last couple of weeks that just won't completely go away. So I'm out of sorts, physically. But mostly, I think I'm out of sorts spiritually and emotionally. I'm not in a crisis or anything, but God has been turning my attention to places that badly need it, and my response has been to mostly shut down and try to ignore it. That hasn't been the most helpful response.

Every February I seem to find myself in this place. Although this winter has been mild, it's still mostly wearing out it's welcome. And, weirdly, I miss the snow. We've only had about fifteen inches or so this winter and that has largely melted with the warm weather. So the landscape is brown and drab. It matches my internal world quite well. Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining about the weather. I'm just noticing that it affects me in specific ways.

Bah. Even as I'm writing this, I'm getting sick of myself. And that attitude is probably closest to the root of my problem. I'm not very responsive to a particular kind of criticism, and when that criticism is internal it's hard to escape from it. That's what's very peculiar to me. I said earlier that God is turning my attention to places in my life that are in a bit of a shambles, but he's not nagging me and he's not being critical. His voice is kind and inviting. If I spoke to myself the way God speaks to me I might respond very differently. I might be less sick of myself and my internal voice. I might soften.

So, my voice isn't really missing. It's just that the voice I'm hearing is not my true voice. It's not the voice I use with anyone else in any other circumstances. It's reserved for myself alone when I'm not living up to my own hopes or expectations. This voice is shrill and brittle and mean and no one would want to spend much time listening to it. It's no wonder that I avoid myself. If I had a friend who spoke to me this way that friend wouldn't get much of my time, and I doubt I would really consider her a friend at all.

I'm trying to use a different voice with myself today. I'm trying to mimic the voice that God uses with me. He's not sick of me. His voice is soft and loving and encouraging. He wants good things for me and he sees the gifts that are languishing. His voice is an invitation born of love. That's what I want to he listening to each moment as I move through my days and nights. Maybe if I'm quiet enough I won't have to mimic anything. Maybe the voice of God will be the only thing I hear.

6 comments:

  1. Beautiful, Terri. I wish this voice for you, too. xo

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    1. thank you christianne. hope your head feels better!

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  2. I love you Terri Ross! I love how honest you are and that you share things like this that draw me toward looking at things that I am not seeing in myself. So ironic to hear your struggle because your voice has been one of the most healing and comforting voices in my whole life.Thank you for sharing this- I am challenged to pay more attention to "that" voice in me too.
    Julie

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    1. I love you too Julie. It is ironic. I feel like my voice is one of my nicest qualities...not necessarily my speaking voice but my ability to find words to help and heal. I want to find those words for myself for once.

      You're one of those voices for me too. <3

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  3. Love you, Terri. I hope you find it ;)

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