Monday, April 23, 2012

process


I've decided I hate process.

If you wanna know the truth I just want to go to sleep and wake up with a chip in my brain that would produce all the changes I'd like to see. (If you know of something like that shoot me an email.) I'd wake up and I'd be a luminous new woman who embraces all things good and healthy. I'd eat only what is nourishing in exactly the right portions except when it is hospitable to taste a little of a friend's homemade cookies that are still warm out of the oven. I'd exercise religiously in ways that transform my saggy 50-year-old body into that of a wise and adventurous 35-year-old athelete. I'd remind you of Jane Fonda in her prime, but without all the annoying political spewing and sanctimonious lectures. I'd attend to my emotions and my spirit in ways that open doors to unlimited peace and happiness sort of like a kindly monk in comfortable shoes who always has a goofy smile on his face. I'd order my life perfectly and care for myself and everyone around me like Mother Teresa on steroids. I'd write words regularly that make you want to laugh and cry and start all over again with my brilliant and funny insights. I'd remind you of Anne Lamott without the history of drug and alcohol abuse (so of course I would never be exactly like her and you'd be just a little sad about that and it would confuse you that you wish I had been on a bunch of meth binges and then came to my senses.)

Of course, none of you would want to hang out with me anymore because you'd secretly resent me and hope that I fall into a hole on one of my prayer walks. But that's a small price to pay, right?

I wish I was more disciplined and wise. I'm just not. I'll start some wonderful project with all kinds of energy and hope and then I'll poop out after about three hours. It's more than a little bit discouraging.

Here's the big problem: I don't take myself seriously. Or at least I don't take the laws of physics seriously. (entropy schmentropy, gravity schmavity) I don't honestly buy that actions have consequences and that gobs of peanut M&M's end up as flab. (How could something that good and lovely and yummy be bad?) I live my life as though I will live forever and always have a tomorrow to get it right. But that's not really true, is it? (Is it?)

I've been having a hard time motivating myself to do much of anything lately. It's not that I'm depressed, exactly. I'm just tired all the time and it feels like too much trouble to plan or type or get up off the couch. My one saving grace is Saturday morning breakfast. No matter how slovenly I feel I somehow manage to shop and clean and cook for my lovely family whenever it's humanly possible. Maybe I should treat everything like family breakfast. Hmmmmmm.

Anyway, there it is.

I sure hope Jesus is as sweet and forgiving as he seems. I'm gonna need that.


14 comments:

  1. Terri thats beautiful. Thanks for sharing it and being open. I'll always treasure our friendship. Wishing you well and praying for you today.

    Heather Smith all the way from NJ

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    1. well, i don't know how beautiful this was, but i always think people love a good dose of confession to make themselves feel less like a loser. i know i do. :) hope you're well too heather.

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  2. You are awesome- like chocolate cake with peanut butter on top...WAY better than Jane Fonda's skinny, political self or Anne Lamott's funny, dreadlocked self. You are real and honest, lovely inside and out, smart beyond belief and so funny. I'm sure Anne's laugh has nothing on yours and I'm fairly certain Jane doesn't even know how to make pancakes anywhere close to yours. So lay on the couch a while. You've earned it. And when you get off, grace us with your presence again. Tell you what- if it will help inspire you- schedule us in- we like breakfast too! You know, for the greater good and all...
    Love you.

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    1. awww *blush*. thanks lori. i think you're lovely too. just the way you are. and we'll have to schedule a breakfast. maybe this summer. you know. for the greater good. :)

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  3. Let me just say that this very much gave me that feeling of "not aloneness" that you commented on on my post last week. And for that I'm always thankful. Hugs!

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    1. oh good. 'cause it sucks to be alone in these funky places. hugs to you too lisa. you're my big fan from canada. way to represent. :)

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    2. Well, you know, I try to represent :)

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  4. Terri Terri. You never fail to disappoint. This is no fair! I am in the public library laughing out loud at this blog. Maybe I should share it with those around me snarling at my distracting laughter. This is hilarious. One reason is, I feel like I am reading my memoirs. That makes this twice as funny. This is so me! I bounce back and forth like this all the time. I feel like....well..you described me best....ping pong, ping pong.

    I was just about to write a blog about how I do not know how to reconcile my humanness to the Christ likeness that I know I should be. Terri, you are such a ray of sunshine. This blog is very inspiring. I am just about to write a spin off of your blog. You spoke, here, some of the very things that I have been questioning.

    Love to you Terri
    Give Cowboy and Puk a hug from me.......

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    1. i was going to say i'm glad you could relate, but maybe that's not such a good thing. but i'm glad you liked it. consider cowboy and puk hugged.

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  5. "I will live forever and always have a tomorrow to get it right. But that's not really true, is it? (Is it?)"

    Yes. It is true. Really!! It is, it is, it is.

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  6. Terri Churchill, you are a wonderful woman. Thank you for sharing your heart so honestly. I kinda want to be like you :)

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    1. That's funny Natalie…I kinda want to be like you too!

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  7. Terri
    It is a good thing that I can identify with this. Not a bad thing. You keep your angelic shoes on the ground Terri. That is what makes you you. You are honest and that is a wonderful thing. I think Jesus really is as loving and forgiving as He seems. I mean, after all, He told Peter to forgive 7X70. And if He told Peter to do it, then that must mean He would be willing to do it.....and more. That is awesome because that leaves me with hope. I think, gosh, it would be hard to sin 490 times in a day. I mean, I have to sleep sometime, right?
    Love to you.
    Love to your family.
    Love to the pups. :)

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